LamBAtells: ABEG, HELP US MANAGE AM

Being a minute I'av been on here. Started another personal blog as this isn't so personal anymore...my mom and pops read it.
This was written by my friend Funeh Aliu, rearranged by me. I miss this dude, we connected on my levels; intellectually, love for photography, writing, women etc and basic trips of life.

#np EME all-stars - Change

If you can't achieve it don't condemn it. What do you think about that quote? I came up with it not because i believe it but because I have met a large number of Nigerians who seem to believe it and fashion their lives based on it.
They go to the extent of expecting others to conform to life in the same way. I think that statement or anything that sounds like it is nonsense on many levels!
Why would I be prevented from voicing out my opinion on issues simply because I can't do it myself? Haven't I seen others do things and do them well?

As far as I am concerned, that makes for grounds for me to tell you that yours isn't good enough!
I like to look at it from this simple point of view:

LamBAtells: 100Truths

Seen this like 5-7months back but was just pfffttt about it...decided to do it today.

1. Last drink: water

2. Last phone call:   Tiwa Savage'sPR

3. Last text message: the father

4. Last song you listened to: Mr Eazi - Bankulize

5. Last time you cried:  last year? I think

SIX HAVE YOU EVER:

6. . Dated someone twice: No

7. Been cheated on: Yes

8. Kissed someone:

LamBAtells: In Love Again

#np Mr Eazi x Klu - Ohemaa

I set out to be an 'ashewo' around May last year after some matters of the heart (see here). Aspiring Ashewo I called myself, as I was learning the trade.
Now don't get me wrong about the 'ashewo' work here...there are two types of ashewo: ashewo wey dey collect money for services rendered and ashewo wey just dey on a nacking spree.
I was aiming for the latter.
Now I didn't have all the essential tools needed: extra throway cash, a fast car, a fixed tab at some bar etc but I did have some other essentials like: my face, worked at a bank that year and a BB.
:D
Bingo! Finish! I mean I am in my sexual prime so now is the time.
As I was basically learning on my own I quickly realized that the BB and face were rather important. So I started to hawk myself...I would encourage female friends to go on and put on my picture as their dp(massive shouts to instagram), with a status that read 'For sale'. It works
Twitter is a great place too! Oh twitter.
Pins came in, chats started, some got deleted, weekends came, people came(pun intended)
Business was booming!! I mean I was amazed at what I had accomplished by November. Put in two older ladies in your calculations.
On one of my escapades, I learnt never leave your phone with a 'client'. It could be disastrous. One girl I was with had taken my phone and had taken a picture of us and used it as my dp. I didn't discover until about 2hours later.
ADVICE: if you are out there and you are an aspiring ashewo, I'll give you an assignment that would go a long way in your career. Do you know the difference between a panty liner and sanitary pad? Stop jonzjng o
ASHEWO NO BE WORK, NA LIFESTYLE

LamBAtells:Introspective LamBA

AS PUBLISHED ON ALARIWO.ORG 
     

   

Taji!
I am on the floor, I rub my eyes; look around; am in Femi’s apartment; I look beside me; someone is there; he stirs awake; shit! It’s me; I stagger back as I watch myself stand and start to walk backwards out of the room; the time is 8:23am.
Suddenly everything is spinning, am in the car with some dudes and the car is moving backwards on third Mainland Bridge; nobody notices that there’s two of me in the car; I don’t even notice me.

*Spin* Stop!

We are at a club; Movida I think; I’m holding a girl; the other me though; she’s wearing black; there’s a zip on it because the other me zips it up; I can barely hear myself; but am smiling and typing into her phone, I check; I had asked her what flavor her lipstick was; she had written blackberry; must be why I’m typing; the music is very loud; I start kissing her; wow! I kiss good though; she pulls away; I’m backing her; her friend is telling me something; then walks backwards into the toilet.
I’m walking backwards downstairs; there’s a big dude with a girl standing; I’m walking backwards and grabbing the babe’s bum;  
*Spin* Stop!

LamBAtells:WRITER's BLOCK IS REAL

So its been months I have written anything, there has just been this no inspiration period and I feel like me ranting would just leave that period.

I have actually never come on here to rant, have always had Akinfolarin, Doublewealth and Ebun to rant to.
So am just gonna rant bout random things as they come to my head
Right now on my bus!there's this dude at my work that thinks his sexy...don't worry I can tell...from the way he talks to girls and does his eyes. He's actually a blob.
Am looking the worst have looked In years! Been breaking out for months prolly need to exfoliate more/cleanse
Trying look for my gold btw
There's another dude at work, my oga that's comes in my cubicle and says in the most yorubatic English ever 'shearman!' He never wants to see u just sitting down. Dude pisses me off plenty
Ah! There's this girl at work. All those curvy small sized girls. I like *interlude*  Switched up! We barely talk now. :(
The father and mother stay annoying me 81% of my time am at home
In btw all this, I had fun at the NEA nomination party shouts to Bayomi. Dear Cos, can I come to New York?

LamBAtells:HOW I FEEL

Culled from GIM cause this is how a brother feels. In my case, two girls. 

I find now that rather than write something vulgar or humorous, I tend not to be able to write unless the subject matter is one which affects me directly.... or to be disgustingly honest, emotionally.
This morning, it suddenly occurred to me that I've just reached the end of a particular sequence all of us have gone through before (and still will go through). This one will shock those who know me...
There are 4 stages in a break-up. I hereby classify them as Anger, Despair, Loneliness and Recognition. Let me explain....
Yes, there was a girl. Yes, I am capable of feeling for something other than myself. Yes, this is Womilee. No, I'm not on my period. I was simply put in a position I'm not accustomed to. Cut the long story short, I was her rebound guy, and I didn't realize it till it was over. Now that the sob story is done, the tissues have stopped being passed around, I'd like to enlighten you all on the stages which I mentioned. This way, next time your heart gets used as a shoe rag, at least you'll know what the fuck exactly you're going through.

THIS IS LamBA!

LamBAtells:GOD GUIDE ME

For some reason this song has been on replay for the past hour....it really talks about everything i want and feel right now....'No let them fall my hand....Ye Oluwa..2x...'

DOWNLOAD Terry_G - God_Guide_Me

LamBAtells:OLADIMEJI 'doublewealth' OLAOLU

As Marketing Executive at theLamBA, Oladimeji 'doublewealth' Olaoluwa is responsible for marketing and strategy implementation. Olaolu's expertises are on market analysis and product development within the entertainment sector, customer behaviour and segmentation as well as qualitative and quantitative research studies. He also carries experience working as a Product-and Market Consultant within ICT solutions with the deputy speaker of the HOUSE OF ASSEMBLY.
Laolu has a B Sc in Industrial Relations from Covenant University in Nigeria and a MS in Marketing and Economics from Copenhagen Business School in Denmark. Studies include exchange semesters at Lagos Business School in Lagos, Nigeria and at University College Dublin in Ireland.
Hear him:
"The public awareness and persona is different," he said. "The role that theLamBA plays in the community - and for the most part the positive feelings people have toward it - really makes it rewarding to do my job."

LamBAtells:SHE GONE

Remember Ojezmina (lambatells-rewind-ojezmina). and special-dedicasong-for-ojezmina

Well, I lost her.

LamBAtells:P.S i Love You

#np Akon - Right now(na, na, na)

Hey Mo,
First of I am sorry for promises not kept, wish I could fulfill them somehow starting with posting that letter.
I'm sorry for the times I acted like it didn’t matter/I didn’t care, icareverymuch, icarestill.
Thank you for being you, my cheerleader, my therapist, my lover, my ‘Gonzo queen’ (LoL).
Thank you for believing so so much in me and always urging me on regardless.
Guess u didn’t know that Mo in Mo’ Fizz was you
Thank you for everything you have done for me, EVERYTHING! Starting from that bible to the food and locks.
imissus

In other thots FUCK I.T,
Wish you had a lil more trust in me
Wish I wasn’t so conceited at times
Wondering what would have been
Shouts to your friends, I don’t like them anymore I would still say hello
And don’t ever for one day start to think that you are like a sister to me cos if we end up alone in a room, there are still 20,000 things I might do to you.
Hopefully, I get to be as funny as before to some other girl
And if eventually after July we stop talking
P.S iloveyoustill

imissdgirlifellinlovewitin2008 

                  

hafiz

BALLER BUKS:THE PAIN IS STILL HERE

#np Share my blessings – Naeto C ft Asa

The pain is still here....I remember u and that part of me is empty and I just wonder what would have been if u were still here...
My messenger used to be the first thing I signed in...but I barely even remember to sign the yahoo now....prolly cos I know u won’t be there ever again......I miss u
I would always remember the last time I saw u...wish I knew that was the last time I would see u
Wish I had spoken more, played more, taken pictures
Wish I had come out that night u asked me to come out....
Now all I have are memoires ….good memories

I miss u Buks
KISMET

#np Coming Home – Diddy Dirty Money

LamBAtells:#66

 AS WRITTEN BY

TYLLR of styljunki

Me and my boy , Friday night, or Saturday morning, at this moment I’m not really sure, (I lost my fossil). Anyways, we are at my favorite spot in the whole of lasgidi(maybe even the country).

We didn’t come in a Range ‘cos our Parents are not politicians and we don’t work with Mobil (at least not yet), but our ride is pretty decent. These chicks parked a pretty decent whip too.

Converse, classic black and white ‘cos I don’t wear plimsoles . I fold my Francomb, ‘cos I don’t want ash dropping on my sleeves. My friend prefers Polo’s (small pony’s though). Pablos is empty, except for two young men and four young girls and the people that work there.

Tall, slim and Pretty. They have heels, clutch purses and little black dresses, those ones that go off as soon as you pull one zipper. They are dancing like the girls I see on the music channel, for some reason I think they wish they had a pole.

These days I favor Smirnoff, Smirnoff black, I don’t really care about the cranberry or the ice. However all three are present on the table. I’m sipping slowly; I’m enjoying the show (the one the TV girls are putting up). My boy and I discuss economic relevance, ‘cos that’s all we care about.

The girls do tricks, for some reason I keep mixing up their names, by now the bottle is half gone, and the consequences are evident. We eventually leave, we are happy of course and then we come back the following week and do it again. Only this time the girls are different.

where to buy?

PABLOS LIQUORS
#66 Awolowo road,Ikoyi,Lagos Nigeria

LamBAtells:MY SISTER/MY LOVER/MY FRIEND

                                                          

I had known your name months before meeting you….we shared friends in common or I had friends that liked you, as a matter of fact I had even heard you speak before #shouts to Kay P for that one
So we went to the same school, and I met you officially in October of 2006…we hit it off…became best pals, you would keep seat for me no matter how long it took for me to come to class…people even started to model them own relationship to look like ours, forming friends but they never lasted cos they didn’t know the history we shared…..
Remember writing you some fin in year 2….can’t find the original draft but remember some tins I put in there….and I remember that u used to have that note in ur purse….so here’s the tins I remember disjointedly

‘……….call me that your water just broke and your bout to hit delivery…I know it’s far off but call me

….whenever you need me, call me and il be there in a hurry….Remember GEC 212…offer still stands….il run to you

…mmmmhhh some tin about you bin naked and me not closing my eyes…lol…..ur fam naa

…some tin bout anybody messing with you and me calling the ‘Goons’…we’ve increased now…so please call us if anybody tampers with you….

………………………………………………………………….’

….cant remember it all….il look for that draft….i keep all this tins….I even still have notes that you wrote to me in year 2….didn’t mean to keep that one sha…
So, five years and still mad at it (stilmatic)…tho, our buildings have put a bit of a barrier btw us….we stil good abi…
I know you have spoilt alotta runs for me….all those girls that thought me and you was a couple and wont trespass but iwuvustill….e dey pain me
You made start to talk…never used to talk to anybody like dat
Yo! Every promise I might have made to you still stands….#dontdull exploit me
Lil sister I never had….IWUVUMUCH and I miss u
And you are gna be gone this year…..i don’t Skype o


P.S if we are not married by 40,lets promise to marry our selves….lol….sounds corny abi…heard it in some movie one year lik dat….for green card sha

WUVUSTILL

LamBAtells:KOKO GARRI

So we have been hearing and seeing pictures of Koko Garri by D'Banj...i can gracefully tell you that yours truly held and drank from the garri yesternite.....

LamBAtells:FUNMIOGUNJA

#np High mi – Eddie

So am thinking about her…how fine and light skinned she is and how I would like to know her than I already do, I don’t know anything actually expect that her name is Funmi. She’s my mom’s name sake

Lemme see what I tink I know:
I know she loves that naija music ….ilike
I know she light skinned              ….ilike
She would be fun to be with(extremely good company), she says she likes music, food, fashion, graphic design, alcohol etc the same things I crave for….lol
So:

“My dream girl, she’s beautiful, sexy, curvy, intelligent,

She loves me, I love her,

But, if I cant have funmi,

Then I pretend,

Am kneeling,

She’s sitting,

I propose,

She laughs,

She jumps on me and says yes,

Am smiling, am happy,

But am just daydreaming,
If I can’t have funmi”

SpecialDedicasong #np Marry me - Chykay

SPECIAL DEDICASONG FOR: ojezmina

Cc: REWIND OJEZMINA

DOWNLOAD Chykay - Haba

BALLER BUKS:KISMET

I am sad still
I think about you still
I read our messages to each other every time
I remember
How u opened a windows messenger acct for me using your name as my password so we cud video call cos yahoo was fucking up
Our late/overnight talks
The songs I asked you to download
How surprised I was that you knew the wordings to the song “Eji – Owuro” and that you promised to sing it to me when u saw me
Never was to be.
How thru d video calls I got to see u more and even met Troy
The talks we had while you typed your essays
I miss your voice
Now every British program reminds me of you
I miss u calling me ‘Bobo yi’ whenever I was a lot hilarious
I haven’t cried, I can’t cry cos am still in shock
I still try your number with wished hope that you would pick up but it won’t happen
I still go online and wish to see Bukola online but not
I will never forget the last time I saw you
Wished I had played more with you
Wish I didn’t get angry with you
Wish I had spoken to you more
Wish I had called you on your birthday
Wish ii had said I was sorry when u said you were not happy with me
Wish I had sent more than the meaning of kismet to you the last time I texted you
I miss my digital girl
And I am sad still
Sleep well Buks

KISMET

BALLER BUKS:HUNGOVER

So i had this mad hangover two days back with the usual headaches and all. While i was in my sorry state,i got thinking and i remembered that the last time i had an hangover,i was with Baller Buks..

June 26th;10:00am
My fone vibrates bringing me out of my temporary coma,my voice husky as hell,Bukky says for me to tell her about my whereabouts so we can meet up later,says she's with shade.
So i gets ready cos this is the second first time i would be seeing her.

1:00/2:00pm
Shade calls me to meet them at Alago Meji.I hop on a bike and i get there decked in my white blink 'N V ME' tee. i get in the car and i sees her,she is wearing this purple dress and looking good.We went to Elegushi beach where shade's fam was opening his paint balling center.She told me she wanted to wear her bikini but her uncles wouldnt let her....lol
Later we go to the palms mall,ate and bought ice cream.I ate all of hers and she was a bit peeved at me

8:00pm
On our way home,we are both sitting at the back of the car and have a bit of time to ourselves. we talked/laffed/snuggled......
They dropped me off at Harvey road junction and I get on a bike and a text comes in from her,it says 'PERFECT'.
That was to be the last time I would ever see her.

imissustil buks

BALLER BUKS:ONMYMINDSTIL

I met u one year ago one week from now....
we was at the twins' birthday party and i had stood up to chase errbody inside to have a dance....
and i went towards u speaking yoruba cos i tot u wudnt understand...
and u laffed cos u understood...syrus caught it on camera
u went in nd started to dance....
but i was out of mood nd wudnt dance with nobody......
i remember moving away from the fan so u stay beside it and stop sweating....

I was minutes away from leaving and i tot wat d hell,talk to her....
we got talking...
i kept askin u to repeat urself cos i barely heard u well cos of ur accent.....
we talked for about 30 minutes and i said i was leaving....
and u asked for my number.....
i cudnt get yours cos my phone was off but i got ur facebook name tho....
'Baller Buks'...


I put my fone on the next morning and i got a text from you....
it sed 'r u home yet'....
i called the number back and it was you...



Its bin three weeks since you've bin gone and i missustil/tink bout u still
I still feel like you are gonna call me any time soon....but it wont happen

Sleep well my digital girl