LamBAtells: SHORT STORIES

Compilation of small stuff in my head. They don't have titles.

My friend hooked up with this chic, not like a one nighter...she was his girlfriend at that time. So day comes, she's at his house...romance...the room...she gives him head...he touches her...more romance...no sex. He leaves the room for a bit to go get drinks...gets back and she's crying...like practically weeping saying '...we have sinned against God..' He tries to calm her...she won't calm...until they both kneel and ask for forgiveness. They are not together anymore.


2012 started on a groovy note, I got to be in the same room with all the top DJs in Nigeria..think the name, yes he was there...a week after I got a call from Dj Humility that my friend (BJ) had told him about me...this,that...we scheduled a date to meet...we met up with his manager on the island. From the looks of things, I was supposed to A&R/run slight PR for his album...we trashed issues...I wasn't so articulate, but I didn't flop totally...from there we headed to Lekki(prest boat club)...he was supposed to DJ on a yatch so they were checking it out...then headed to Dj Jimmy Jatt's house after which I went back to my own house...the album isn't out yet.

LamBAtells: GOING MAD - Picking tins on the journey to Port Harcourt

#NP OLAMIDE – ELEDA MI

The post title is the literal translation of the Yoruba saying; “Wan sha’golo de Porthar” which is usually directed towards your enemies or detractors. In clearer English: They will pick tins from Lagos to Port Harcourt. This is done while on foot.

 Real meaning: Anybody wishing you bad will go mad and start picking tins up and continue doing so till they go far away from you.

In recent times, Yoruba rapper Olamide infused this slang in the chorus of his tune ‘Eleda mi’ and that has kept it resounding in my head in a much more funny fashion. Go listen to that tune.

LamBAtells: FINE BOY AGBERO (The End)

Fineboy Agbero was courtesy http://agbero.blogspot.com
I do have a wild imagination but I am not an awesome writer like that.

LamBAtells: Fineboy Agbero Ep 8 [The Monkey returns!!]

The Monkey Returns!

For two full weeks, I was inside my room. I no fit comot. To even go toilet sef, na wahala. For the first couple of days, I just dey shake for bed. My throat just dry like say na desert dey inside. The kain fear wey dey grip me sef, I no fit describe. So na so I for just die like dat? I for just fly like monkey, enter hell fire straight? Rashidi knocked the door taya, I no gree open. First, him dey try make the tin funny; I no gree. Second, he beg me; I still no gree. Next day, he come back say Agbowo dey find me for park o; I still no answer am. Last-last, he go call Sikira.

Sikira knock my door like say na elephant wan enter. Immediately I heard the knock, I knew it was her. I just jumped from the bed and crouched in one corner. See me o; correct omo-ita, with all the madness in my head: na two women come dey make me fear like dis! Sikira bang the door taya, I no gree open. E remain small make d door comot sef, still I just kpeme for the room.

LamBAtells: Fineboy Agbero Ep7[Flying Monkey]

I don hear tales of the Flyin Monkey but I no dey believe am. E be like one of those Urban Myths were papa and mama dey use scare us in those days. Like the myth of drinking garri and eating mango and dying instantly! Like the myth of plucking an eyelash and a strand of hair from your head, placing dem in a paper and letting your parents step on it to forget whatever punishment they were going to visit on you. Like the myth of beating a boy with omorogun or broom and his kini will disappear. Like the myth of fingers growing in your belly if you “collected” sweet or biscuit from a witch girl in your class…

Like the myth of the Flyin’ Monkey.


I didn’t believe it. Not until it happened to me. Again, I swear by my mother’s life, I swear on the graves of my forefathers, I swear by my father’s kini: this is how it happened. And it happened to me.


Remember Iya Sidikat the paraga woman? Her father died and she had to go to Ekiti for the burial. The woman comot for like 5 days and we all wan die! No paraga, nothing! How we suppose survive? We already don wan go contract another paraga seller when the woman “shop” open suddenly. But it wasn’t the woman that was there o.

LamBAtells: Fineboy Agbero Ep6 [A Sombre Sunday Tale]

A Sombre Sunday Tale

(In honour, or dishonour, of Sunday, who brought dishonour to the agbero profession and died three days later in a police cell)

This is the lifecycle of a normal agbero.
He is a boy born into a poor family which usually lives in a face-to-face room. As a youth, he is burdened with the task of fending for himself because his dad has his younger ones to take care of. Of course, he attends secondary school, where he loves to sit at the back because he is tired of the wicked teachers and their intrusive ways. Then the teachers compound his problem by chasing him out of class for not possessing a needed textbook or for disturbing the class. He goes on to hang around with other boys like him, under the mango tree or in the abandoned classroom, or on the other side of the school fence, not so far from where a group of rough street urchins are smoking weed or selling it. They offer him a wrap for free and he takes the bait. Everyday, he smokes and talks large with them. But he still attends school because his mother is on his neck, pleading with him to finish his education and become somebody in life. Finally, he sits for the final exams and fails woefully because he hadn’t been going to class. Or he didn’t even write the exam because he had no money. Or he didn’t even write the exams because it was “chicken” to be seen in a school uniform with the “small-small” boys. While waiting for the GCE exams, he tries to supplement the family income by joining his weed-smoking friends at the park.

LamBAtells: Fineboy Agbero Ep 5 [Prison Chronicles: Three Kings]

Prison Chronicles: Three Kings

There were two kings in the cell. I always heard that some tough guy controlled the activities on the cell, but in this cell, there were two ogas. Like having two agberos collecting the same money from a conductor.
The policemen had shouted at me all through, punctuating their curses with slaps and kicks.

“Bastard! Na inside cell you go die! Your papa go join you for here for him burial. Na here u go born your first pikin. Na here you….”

This sergeant went on and on. He was the one I had broken his head. They stripped me of my clothes, leaving just my boxers. All my money don go. Dem come talk say make I write statement. The silly part na say na dem dey tell me wetin I go write.

“Oya, write say you collect my gun, you wan shoot me, but I overpower you, you come break my partner’s head.”

LamBAtells: Fineboy Agbero Ep4 [Hancock]

Hancock

Sikira beg me tire, I no gree o. Imagine now, after all I’ve done for this babe, she still go punish me for that yeye church. I don vow say, lailai, me and dat girl no go get anything again. But as you know now, every guy na maga and every girl na yahoo-yahoo; we must fall for their scams.

It was easy anyway. She went for the physical. Sikira showed up at my door one cold evening, looking like she just dropped out of a music video. Kai! This girl was wearing one sinfully short mini-skirt and a top with a low neckline. Maybe na wondebra or something, but the way those things on her chest stood out…

“Hi TJ." Em… em… can I come in?”

Before nko? I don’t forget say I dey vex with am sef. She entered and went straight to sit on the bed. There was this shy smile on her face. Ah, woman! Woman!

She went on her knees, further exposing those juicy mounds in her top. “TJ, no vex now. You know say I love you.”

I no even hear wetin she dey talk. My eyes were glued to where they should be. Finally, I found my voice.

LamBAtells:Fineboy Agbero Ep3 [Emi Okunkun]

Emi Okunkun

Saturday 9.10am

“E don die?”

My eyes flickered open, then shut. The sky was black. Very black. It seemed as if a giant fist had blotted out the sun.

“E neva die o!”

“E don dey wake!”

The giant fist morphed into five, each one splitting to reveal splinters of sun. Five heads peered down at me as I lay on my back on the muddied ground.

“Wetin happen?” I asked, with my mouth as heavy as a planet.

Mufu came into focus.

“TJ, you dey alive?”

“You dey craze? You wan kill me before?”

“Sorry o. But na just one punch the guy give you now.”

Slowly, I remembered. Sunday! Kia-kia, I stand up. The circle of people around me dissolved. Sunday stood at a distance, his face filled with fear. Last night, the bastard gave me some numbers say make I play them for Baba Ijebu. “13, 14, 15. Too sure,” he had said. I ask am how those kain numbers go win and him talk say make him mama die if dem no win.

LamBAtells:Fineboy Agbero Ep2 [Fight, fight and Romance]

Fight, fight and romance

2:32pm

I was chilling with Mufu inside a bus in the garage when the fools came. There were five of them, and though they tried to put up bold faces, I wasn't fooled.

“Na u be Taju?”

I looked at the fellow speaking and sized him up. His eyes were red from smoking igbo but that one no concern me.

“Who dey find am?”

“Wey the phone wey you collect from my brother?”

I no just talk anything. This one dey follow me talk like that. For inside garage! I slung my shirt over my shoulder and slipped out of the bus. Next thing na:

GBOLA!!!! GBOLA!!! GBOLA-GA!!!

The big stout bottle wey I just finish drink from crash on top the head of three of them. As they fell to the floor screaming, Mufu charged at the remaining two and I reached for the plank that served as the middle seat of the bus. Na so we dey beat them o. Two of us only against five mugus. Blood don flow finish before Agbowo and other NURTW people scatter-land.

LamBAtells:Fineboy Agbero Ep1 [Oya now!!!]

Oya Now!

7:36am
Iya Sidikat poured me two shots of paraga and I quickly downed the drink. The hot liquor sped down my throat, hit my chest with the force of ten thousand thunderbolts and restored heat into my harmattan-beaten body. I exhaled with a long “Aahhhhhhhhhhhh.”
“Fara bale, bobo yi. Cool down!” Rashidi admonished.
I slapped my chest vigorously and thrust the cup into the woman’s face. She looked at me like I don kolo, but my eyes were so red and hard that she quickly poured me two extra shots.
Closing my eyes, I swallowed the drink. Tiny veins in my brain imploded. My closed-eye vision turned red, then purple. My chest smarted. I screamed.
Rashidi bellowed with laughter. “Alagbara!”
I shook my head, saying nothing as I regained composure. Blood go flow like water dis morning. One bastard was gbemu-ing to me. One bastard conductor. Oloshi! He refused to pay my shandy yesterday bicos him carry one yeye staff. Today na today!

8.35am
Shagaya ran to me at the bus stop and collapsed on the floor. He was holding his left eye and his hands were covered in blood. Rashidi and I left the driver we were harassing and ran to Shagaya.
“Wetin happen?”
“Kilo sele?”
I lifted Shagaya to his feet and through his uncovered eye he looked at me. The words spattered out of his mouth like Baba Odeku’s battered danfo engine.
“It’s… it’s….”
“Talk! Abi you dey craze?”
“Haruna!”
“Ehn? Wetin Haruna do again?”
He narrated the sorry tale of how Haruna had beaten him up over a plate of ewa-aganyin.

LamBAtells: Fineboy Agbero Series

My people,

Its been ages....I stopped music blogging too and I'm presently reverting back to making this blog a story blog..awesome stories!!!

For the next couple of weeks, I will be running a series of stories tagged 'Fineboy Agbero'. The stories are super funny i promise and it will be up every week till the last one in 2014. At the end, I will reveal the inspiration/what/who made the stories. Bookmark this address to catch the tells also follow on twitter @TYLamBA and @theLamBA_ to see when links go up.

SYNOPSIS

Name: FineBoy Agbero

Location: Iju, Fagba, Iyana-Ipaja, Amukoko, Shomolu, Oshodi, Mushin, Okoko, anywhere molue dey enter, Eko Akete (na Lagos be dat), Nigeria

After writing JAMB six times, a friend initiated me into the agbero clique. Since then, na so so miliki o. Free money, no work, enough shepe, enough omoge... Abeg, JAMB dey craze!!!

Interests: Drinking paraga and shepe, smoking igbo, breaking bottles, fighting aluta

Favorite Movies Snake in the Monkey Shadow, Rambo, Nagin

Favorite Music Pasuma, Saheed Osupa, Atewewe, Daddy Showkey, Danfo Drivers

Favorite Books Ababio, Better Lover, Alaroye, Complete Sports

Episode 1 will be up tomorrow at 4'O clock

LamBAtells: CAUGHT BY MY MOM

As written by Sasky Doo

                                                                                PUFF PUFF PASS

Puff, Puff, Pass. That’s what we say when we're two or more and sharing a joint. But I don't think I will be puffing or passing anytime soon. I've smoked my last blunt man. Made a promise I fully intend to keep because it’s a sad day when a mother catches her first child using……

And I was caught in the worst way. July 22^nd, 2011. I’m alone at home. My father has gone on the job. Mom is at the store where she sells provisions. With the house to myself, and no light (Power Holding was holding onto power again), I am quickly bored. I think about going out, but it’s still early. Then I remember I have some weed leftover from the previous day. So, I roll up a really fat one and lock myself up in my toilet with my iPod on full volume.

I'm blazing freely, singing along with Fela, when over the blaring of my headphones and off-key voice; I hear banging on the door and my mother’s voice telling me to come out

LamBAtells: I am with D'banj

I fell in love with D'banj the second I heard the second verse of tongolo. I got back to school the next day singing that verse and folks just thought I had come again. In the following months, D'banj fever swept over the country.

My first shot at meeting him was in 2010 when I and my friends landed a shirt gig with D'prince of then Mohits. Unfortunately he was never in Nigeria all the times we went to their house and was part of the envoy to the Headies award 2010.

Finally met him weeks back and he happily knighted me LamBA Lee.

LamBAtells: ABEG, HELP US MANAGE AM

Being a minute I'av been on here. Started another personal blog as this isn't so personal anymore...my mom and pops read it.
This was written by my friend Funeh Aliu, rearranged by me. I miss this dude, we connected on my levels; intellectually, love for photography, writing, women etc and basic trips of life.

#np EME all-stars - Change

If you can't achieve it don't condemn it. What do you think about that quote? I came up with it not because i believe it but because I have met a large number of Nigerians who seem to believe it and fashion their lives based on it.
They go to the extent of expecting others to conform to life in the same way. I think that statement or anything that sounds like it is nonsense on many levels!
Why would I be prevented from voicing out my opinion on issues simply because I can't do it myself? Haven't I seen others do things and do them well?

As far as I am concerned, that makes for grounds for me to tell you that yours isn't good enough!
I like to look at it from this simple point of view:

LamBAtells:HAVE YOU SEEN MY CHILDHOOD?

I had written the common entrance around April...April 17th I think...how do I remember? Dunno, I somehow sometimes always remember dates..lots of dates are etched in my memory
Had a score of 520... Weeks abi months later after going for an interview, I got admitted into Kings' College..merit list number 42

Resumption was slated to October 4th, I was happy to be leaving home! Maybe it was the tins of Milo,the sardines, cornflakes, biscuits and whatnot that seem to keep my mind at rest
My mum was in tears, I was all smiley in my immaculate white pair with H.O.T written boldly in permanent black marker.

Barely 20 minutes after they had left,

LamBAtells: 100Truths

Seen this like 5-7months back but was just pfffttt about it...decided to do it today.

1. Last drink: water

2. Last phone call:   Tiwa Savage'sPR

3. Last text message: the father

4. Last song you listened to: Mr Eazi - Bankulize

5. Last time you cried:  last year? I think

SIX HAVE YOU EVER:

6. . Dated someone twice: No

7. Been cheated on: Yes

8. Kissed someone:

LamBAtells: FML

#FML
Today has to be ranked amongst my most annoying days ever.

Download Blood Money - Mr Eazi


RIP Dolapo.
Life is too short

LamBAtells: INFLUENCE

I went in a rat and came out a lion. I was eating when I got the inspiration to chronicle my activities under the influence of kush.

So I got typing on my phone; I have left the text unedited, so that you can sorta be in my head...its not a story, its a compilation of my thoughts as they came into my head...I was thinking about 3 to 4 things at the same time.
I went from trying to explain what/how you feel to typing random thoughts.
#enjoy

I am currently under the influence of narcotics. It has been over thirty minutes I took the first puff which has now puffen my world.

LamBAtells: I AM (not) GANGSTER

#NP Dagrin - Pon Pon Pon

Fighting was second nature to me, not as a dysfunctional kid or anything. I just beat down lots of peers if the need be/I was never scared getting into fights. But as the years passed and I was crowned champion and had lesser or no fights at all, I would  go on to lose my 'liver' and reflexes as the case was or is.
July 21st 2011
Returning home from a sorta weary day...not home sha...my friend's place. I was swelling with anger and spite as I had been suspended a week before graduation. I was itching to take out my anger on anyone/anybody!

So here I was minding my own business and heading home in a 'danfo', must have been 8pm ish...I was sitting at the back by the left hand corner