January 8, 2014

LamBAtells: Fineboy Agbero Ep 8 [The Monkey returns!!]

The Monkey Returns!

For two full weeks, I was inside my room. I no fit comot. To even go toilet sef, na wahala. For the first couple of days, I just dey shake for bed. My throat just dry like say na desert dey inside. The kain fear wey dey grip me sef, I no fit describe. So na so I for just die like dat? I for just fly like monkey, enter hell fire straight? Rashidi knocked the door taya, I no gree open. First, him dey try make the tin funny; I no gree. Second, he beg me; I still no gree. Next day, he come back say Agbowo dey find me for park o; I still no answer am. Last-last, he go call Sikira.

Sikira knock my door like say na elephant wan enter. Immediately I heard the knock, I knew it was her. I just jumped from the bed and crouched in one corner. See me o; correct omo-ita, with all the madness in my head: na two women come dey make me fear like dis! Sikira bang the door taya, I no gree open. E remain small make d door comot sef, still I just kpeme for the room.

“TJ, e no go better for your papa o! Your mama go get seven accident! Obatala go quench your grandmamma!!! Sopona go wound your grandpapa for farm!!! TJ, open dis door now!!”

She curse me taya, I no gree. She curse all my family, curse my grandparents, my cousins, my friends. She curse everybody wey know me; she curse everybody wey owe me money and those wey I owe money. She curse all the conductors wey I dey collect money from. She curse all the passengers wey dey enter their bus. She curse everybody, still I no gree comot. Because this Sikira, na to kill me remain for am.

It took Agbowo to get me out of the room. Two weeks had passed and I was still in the room. I only went out during the night to use the toilet. Na d garri wey dey my room I just dey manage drink. Agbowo did not even knock. He just spoke.

“Taju, open dis door now-now!”

The voice be like bomb. I rush open d door kia-kia.

“Ah, Baba, na you!”

He let himself into the room quietly. I hurriedly closed the door behind him.

“So, na because of woman you no wan come park again abi? U dey craze!” One big slap land for my eye. I wan shout but I no fit.

“Sit down,” Agbowo commanded.

The kain talk wey dis man follow me talk dat day, even my papa neva talk am before. He spoke to me like someone who was more than a father; someone superior to a father. He talk better sense into my kolo head.

I went to the park that day.

It was like they were welcoming a king! The bastards lined up with sniggers on their faces. They smiled as they shook my hand, a smile that revealed more than they were saying. Once in a while, I’ll hear “flying monkey!” and I would spin around to kill the bastard that said it and everyone would start laughing. Or in their pseudo-conversation:
“Ah, you no watch dat match between Man U and Chelsea? Var der Saar just dey fly like monkey!”
Another false conversation:
“Lai-lai! I fit bet my salary on am! Monkey fit fly faster than bird!”
Ok, I get it, you bastards!

My first shift don end. I dey under the shed dey relax with Mufu and Rashidi. Agbowo seat one corner dey drink stout. His transistor radio dey blast “Ori e o f’oka sibe!” I was almost dozing when I felt the sky grow darker. Kilode? I opened my eyes and there in front of me, looking as radiant as ever, was Bolatito! Tito baby! I scrambled to my feet and made to run. My heart jumped against my ribcage. Mufu and Rashidi too also backed off.
The way she said my name was so silky! Kai!
“Tj, abeg no run from me, I no be witch.”
I no fit talk.
Slowly, she came towards me and knelt at my feet holding on to my legs. Kai! Dis gal dey fall my hand o! There were tears in her eyes.
“TJ, abeg make I explain.”
And explain she did. She told me how she had been trying to get in touch with me but hear say I no come park. And she dey fear make she come my house. But today she hear say I don come park. (Kai, did they announce my return on radio??!!) She also explained how she had gone back home to find out about what happened and discovered it was her aunty she had been living with in Ekiti that put the magun on her. The woman had always accused her of being a flirt, when na boys dey always chase am and she no dey give them face.
In short, as she dey talk, she dey rub my knee, my calf, my feet. Her face was pressed against my belly! Chei! Before I know, my agidi don disappear. Meself come dey pet am. I dey smile like fish, dey talk nonsense. Tito gave me a look that was suggestive and I catch the look quick-quick. As I approached Agbowo to ask for permission to go home, he just smiled and shook his head.
Before you fit say “God-punish-Flying-Monkey” we don reach house!
Baba Odeku was outside the house fixing something in his bus. He jumped when he saw us together!
“TJ! Tito! You people again?”
“Baba, no worry everything dey kampe.”
“Kampe ke?” He looked at Tito.
Tito nodded. “Dem don remove am for village, Baba.”
Baba Odeku just shook his head. Idiot man! Because he just save me one-time, he think say he be my papa?
Tito and I practically dragged each other into my room. We tore at each other’s clothes as we landed on the bed.

[[Parental Guidance: Text not visible to readers under 50]]

We lay on the bed exhausted, but with enough energy to go again. Indeed, the tin no dey for her body anymore! I no crow like cock. I no drink water like fish. I no fly like money again!

Slowly, with Tito’s caress, I felt my thing dey rise again. Tito gripped my tin for hand, press am tight! I winced but the pain dey pleasurable. Slowly, I felt her body slide down mine and her mouth felt wet and silky on my thing! Kai! Sikira never do dis one before o!!! In fact nobody ever do me dis one before! Ah, na wetin dem dey call blow-job be dis?? The enjoyment dey too much, I just dey scream like lunatic. But next thing na:


The remaining things happen for slow motion:

The door burst open. (We no even remember lock am!) Sikira stood there with her mouth wide open! Her breasts heaved like a locomotive. She looked at my face then at Tito. Tito’s mouth was still on the tip of my koboko. The look of terror on her face was almost edible. Nobody moved for like 10seconds. We were all just too shocked. But, like the tiger she is, Sikira was the first to pounce. With a fierce cry, she dealt Tito a blow across the face. Tito scattered into one corner. She jumped on me and grabbed my thing, pinching and squeeze my balls!

“Yeeeeeeeeepaaaaaaaaaaa!!!” My scream must have reached up to heaven for Baba Odeku flew in moments later.
“Sikira, stop am!!!”
“Ah!!! I go comot this him yeye thing today!!!!”
But Sikira no wan stop o; she just dey drag me around the room with my thing. I would jerk and she would pull. She would pinch and I’d jerk back. Like we were in an accursed pantomime. She had murder in her eyes. Sadly, my thing refused to go down; the bastard was still erect! And dat intensified the pain!
Baba Odeku pleaded with Sikira, she no gree o. When he tried to wrestle my thing from her grip, the pain only increased. I screamed harder.

It was Tito that would finally rescue me.

She found one big stick wey I dey use kill rat. With her veins straining against her skin, she nack d stick for Sikira head!

Gbosaaaa!!! I even heard a crack. The stick or Sikira’s head?

Sikira slumped to the floor. My thing shrank instantaneously. Baba Odeku put his hands on his head.

“Yeeeepa!!! You don kill am!! You don kill am o!” The bastard man was jumping up and and down like a puppet. Tito ran to me and held me tight, her eyes wide with fear. We all stood back as if a taboo was in front of us. Me, I wanted to shrink into the wall! Wetin I go talk for police station? Say my girlfriend kill my girlfriend? Which kain yeye story be dat!

Baba Odeku was surprisingly the first person to recover. “E be like say she never die o,” he said cautiously. He moved towards her and put his head on her juicy breasts.

“Her heart dey beat.”

Hallelujah! But the bastard man no comot him head o. The idiot was tapping current! Agbaya!

Like those zombies do in those movies, Sikira stretched out her hands, from the dead, and grabbed Baba Odeku’s neck!!! Both of them screamed with different purposes.

Tito and I grabbed our clothes and raced out of the house! Our screams were with single purpose!

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