LamBAtells:GUIDE TO GROWING OLD

Its been a minute LamBA told anything..since growing old is fast becoming an issue with us not so young folks any more so banx tells us how to manage ourself....I look forward to the knacking 90 and been knackable from @uberbetty!!!!! For now, enjoy this---->

Guide to growing old by our humble friend from AfroSays

Goons tell me they're not as scared of dying as they are scared of aging; seriously, if there are virgins waiting for us on the other side, what's not to like? Growing old isn't just sexy and that's that!

But seriously, If only there was a way to stay forever 17 without getting bit by a vampire...

**Searches Google from my awesome Telekinetic brain

There is no way! And there are no vampires too!

**Coughs suspiciously

How then do we...

*Scratch that*

How then do you get through that unavoidable dulling period of your already dulling life?
(You should know that I am not going to go through the same situation as you, you and you. See! My grandfather lived till his nineties with five wives, three of which died before him. My direct grandmother is in her nineties still, is fucking healthy and eats more slices of yam than I do.)

**Changes megaphone batteries

Check your background.
Don't like what you see? Sucks for you!
All hope is not lost. I have a few tips of that can help you through the grey days if you start early enough. You might not look seventeen at seventy but at least you might keep some of your already boring sexy.

**Yawns

Now listen attentively to the following points.

**Clears throat

1. Dump the Coke. Alomo is your friend. All of you forming eating pizza tins nko? Pounded yam is your friend. If you think Gala and La Casera is a balanced diet, you sef will soon die. Drink moderately too. Some of you can't let Johnny walk past without greeting him. Please let him walk, he needs the exercise. Eat good food. Drink lots of water too.

2. Exercise. Exercise. Exercise.
If you are too lazy to jog, upset your neighbors dog and you'd be duly motivated to cover some decent distance. Dance (grinding is not dancing). Learn the Running Man, the Jerk, the U-turn, the Dougie, Alanta, the Stanky Leg, the Chicken Noodle Soup, the Reject ++, lock the door to your room and dance! Locking the door is important. I know.

3. No kinky, nasty, risque, risky, dirty, skanky, blah blah blah kind of sex. Anything you catch, even if you throw it to someone else, might still stay glued to your sorry hands or mouth or kini, whichever the case might be. Be smart about doing the dew.

4. Make money.
The richer you are, the better healthcare you can afford, the prettier the nurses that can take care of you. Don't ever overlook the benefits of a pretty woman nursing a sick motherfucker back to health. I solemnly swear on my Twitter handle that Nurse Jegede would only worsen your condition. I know.

5. Don't get ahead of yourself.
Yes! You're young; Yes! You want to live the life; risking it to get the biscuit shey? Sharrap! Don't over-exert yourself. All those 'I go hard' nonsenses that you learn from American music? Leave it for Rihanna and co. The only time you should go hard should be when there is soft kini in front of you. I don't care whether it's hard fun or hard work, money can't fix every injury, be smart.

6. You don't need haters.
You really don't, they can fuck you up mehn! I see you tweeting about haters and tins, SUBjecting everybody's TLs to your bad belle SUBliminals? Trust me, a determined hater can fuck you up. We all know the popular examples. You need all the goodwill you can get to succeed and success guarantees better old days. Don't make unnecessary enemies, rather make more friends than you need.

7. You need a halo. And a pitchfork too.
Why? Excesses are the death of many. All that bad guys tins? Riding to the death tins? Have you ever seen a seventy something year old armed robber retiree talk about the good old days? Want to you ride to the death? It is not far, you will get there! Likewise, don't be too good. Take off your halo when the moral ceiling is too low, carry your pitchfork and fight dirty. Gone are the days when people lined up in pretty columns and fought wars with a gentlemanly code. To survive to a plucking old age in this less than civil society, man must have sharp eyes.
Have some universal solvent.

**pouring you a glass.

This is just a tip of the ship sinker. If you want to hear the fullness of my wisdom on knacking ninety and still being knackable, follow me on twitter, the handle is @banxman.

**whispers

But sha, that vampire kini? You want to know the truth? Off Google? Pay 5k into Zenith, a/c name is @odinaVampie.
 
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone provided by Airtel Nigeria.