LamBAtells: I Like to Get Laid

As Written By Tala Leratadima

I am working very hard to create a link between two odd utterances that have made their way into my life recently. This could be a reflection of me and the choices in company I make, or it could be sign number four million and eighty eight that the young male people are just plain out of control.

Male people on a simple level handle their alcohol differently to woman people, without going deep into the differences of which gender becomes most ungovernable under the influence. The most superficial and obvious difference are that women become freer and men become poopholes. Now I am not judging, I am just noticing, as is law on a certain Facebook group that I heard about. I’m not on Facebook. I have an aversion to these cyber-social projects or whatever they are called. I got convinced by evil forces to sign up to Twitter, which I did but it is a disaster because I don’t know how it works, help!

How many times have we seen a group of girls walk into a party and gather themselves in a corner and speak to nobody until after eleven o clock when some waters of Jerusalem have been imbibed and we see them becoming the life of the party (I myself included, Jezebel juice does make me go a tad crazier than normal). And right behind the church girls into candy girls come a group of guys who by half past nine have hit on half the party and by eleven o’clock they are plain terrorizing the female attendees. How many times have we noticed this? If I am lying say so and please give reasons.

Just when one thinks that surprises with males are up, that there is nothing they can possibly do or say that will leave you flummoxed, they pull one out of some orifice! So your girl Tala and some contemporaries congregated at a restaurant to have some or many drinks as the youth normally do usually on Saturday afternoon. Some of the contemporaries decided that restaurant alcohol was too expensive; they would rather go home and drink the case of beer waiting for them. No worries: the group got smaller and the white people that had sent a waiter earlier to come tell us we were talking too loud, looked relieved to see the bill settled, the relief short-lived when only a small delegation left and the rest remained seated and ordered another round.

As the people that thought the company was good and would like to repeat a similar excursion and were exchanging numbers, my friend, as she was about to proceed with punching her digits into this gentleman’s phone, had to do the girl thing and talk too much trying to create conversation where none was necessary—she asked the phone owner guy what he likes doing. This guy said, “I like to get laid”. So imagine the whole table comes to a halt, mouth to glass hand to glass motion stops midair, chitchat is paused and there is a dead stillness. Did we hear what we think we heard? So I think late, he likes being late? I the eternal hopeful asked late for what? No, the phone owner guy said, getting laid, L-A-I-D straight up laid is what I said lady not late. Straight-faced with the innocence of a child. Perhaps he was being funny or he was being honest. However way you look at it, it scores high on the distasteful scale.

The second incident happened at the same friend’s party! Oh my friend, perhaps we need to review the vibes you put out. We were all dancing, all sweaty and groovy and some guy took the opportunity during the coda to say, ‘pants off now!’ On what level is that appropriate commentary to make in public places to people that are not showing any interest in going home with you? Perhaps we are stuck up, but we were offended. We could not kick him out, he had come with people we wanted there and that would have meant that the people we wanted there would need to go as well. So instead we moved the dancing as far as we could while still being able to hear the music because it became uncomfortable being in the space of people expressing needs for everyone to take their bottom garments off.

In both instances I feel that the poop holeness came across so magnificently dear readers, so you have to concur with me that boys are out of control and an intervention of sorts is needed. Social justice is very close to my heart, making me an idealist who is interested in finding workable ways through which we can help those that need the help. So how do we help our young brothers? I mean they form a pool of potential suitors to our little sisters, so it is in many of our interests that we find ways to teach young men to handle their alcohol.

I am stumped, I welcome ideas.