LamBAtells: Fineboy Agbero Ep 5 [Prison Chronicles: Three Kings]

Prison Chronicles: Three Kings

There were two kings in the cell. I always heard that some tough guy controlled the activities on the cell, but in this cell, there were two ogas. Like having two agberos collecting the same money from a conductor.
The policemen had shouted at me all through, punctuating their curses with slaps and kicks.

“Bastard! Na inside cell you go die! Your papa go join you for here for him burial. Na here u go born your first pikin. Na here you….”

This sergeant went on and on. He was the one I had broken his head. They stripped me of my clothes, leaving just my boxers. All my money don go. Dem come talk say make I write statement. The silly part na say na dem dey tell me wetin I go write.

“Oya, write say you collect my gun, you wan shoot me, but I overpower you, you come break my partner’s head.”

LamBAtells: Fineboy Agbero Ep4 [Hancock]

Hancock

Sikira beg me tire, I no gree o. Imagine now, after all I’ve done for this babe, she still go punish me for that yeye church. I don vow say, lailai, me and dat girl no go get anything again. But as you know now, every guy na maga and every girl na yahoo-yahoo; we must fall for their scams.

It was easy anyway. She went for the physical. Sikira showed up at my door one cold evening, looking like she just dropped out of a music video. Kai! This girl was wearing one sinfully short mini-skirt and a top with a low neckline. Maybe na wondebra or something, but the way those things on her chest stood out…

“Hi TJ." Em… em… can I come in?”

Before nko? I don’t forget say I dey vex with am sef. She entered and went straight to sit on the bed. There was this shy smile on her face. Ah, woman! Woman!

She went on her knees, further exposing those juicy mounds in her top. “TJ, no vex now. You know say I love you.”

I no even hear wetin she dey talk. My eyes were glued to where they should be. Finally, I found my voice.

LamBAtells:Fineboy Agbero Ep3 [Emi Okunkun]

Emi Okunkun

Saturday 9.10am

“E don die?”

My eyes flickered open, then shut. The sky was black. Very black. It seemed as if a giant fist had blotted out the sun.

“E neva die o!”

“E don dey wake!”

The giant fist morphed into five, each one splitting to reveal splinters of sun. Five heads peered down at me as I lay on my back on the muddied ground.

“Wetin happen?” I asked, with my mouth as heavy as a planet.

Mufu came into focus.

“TJ, you dey alive?”

“You dey craze? You wan kill me before?”

“Sorry o. But na just one punch the guy give you now.”

Slowly, I remembered. Sunday! Kia-kia, I stand up. The circle of people around me dissolved. Sunday stood at a distance, his face filled with fear. Last night, the bastard gave me some numbers say make I play them for Baba Ijebu. “13, 14, 15. Too sure,” he had said. I ask am how those kain numbers go win and him talk say make him mama die if dem no win.

LamBAtells:Fineboy Agbero Ep2 [Fight, fight and Romance]

Fight, fight and romance

2:32pm

I was chilling with Mufu inside a bus in the garage when the fools came. There were five of them, and though they tried to put up bold faces, I wasn't fooled.

“Na u be Taju?”

I looked at the fellow speaking and sized him up. His eyes were red from smoking igbo but that one no concern me.

“Who dey find am?”

“Wey the phone wey you collect from my brother?”

I no just talk anything. This one dey follow me talk like that. For inside garage! I slung my shirt over my shoulder and slipped out of the bus. Next thing na:

GBOLA!!!! GBOLA!!! GBOLA-GA!!!

The big stout bottle wey I just finish drink from crash on top the head of three of them. As they fell to the floor screaming, Mufu charged at the remaining two and I reached for the plank that served as the middle seat of the bus. Na so we dey beat them o. Two of us only against five mugus. Blood don flow finish before Agbowo and other NURTW people scatter-land.

LamBAtells:Fineboy Agbero Ep1 [Oya now!!!]

Oya Now!

7:36am
Iya Sidikat poured me two shots of paraga and I quickly downed the drink. The hot liquor sped down my throat, hit my chest with the force of ten thousand thunderbolts and restored heat into my harmattan-beaten body. I exhaled with a long “Aahhhhhhhhhhhh.”
“Fara bale, bobo yi. Cool down!” Rashidi admonished.
I slapped my chest vigorously and thrust the cup into the woman’s face. She looked at me like I don kolo, but my eyes were so red and hard that she quickly poured me two extra shots.
Closing my eyes, I swallowed the drink. Tiny veins in my brain imploded. My closed-eye vision turned red, then purple. My chest smarted. I screamed.
Rashidi bellowed with laughter. “Alagbara!”
I shook my head, saying nothing as I regained composure. Blood go flow like water dis morning. One bastard was gbemu-ing to me. One bastard conductor. Oloshi! He refused to pay my shandy yesterday bicos him carry one yeye staff. Today na today!

8.35am
Shagaya ran to me at the bus stop and collapsed on the floor. He was holding his left eye and his hands were covered in blood. Rashidi and I left the driver we were harassing and ran to Shagaya.
“Wetin happen?”
“Kilo sele?”
I lifted Shagaya to his feet and through his uncovered eye he looked at me. The words spattered out of his mouth like Baba Odeku’s battered danfo engine.
“It’s… it’s….”
“Talk! Abi you dey craze?”
“Haruna!”
“Ehn? Wetin Haruna do again?”
He narrated the sorry tale of how Haruna had beaten him up over a plate of ewa-aganyin.